Renowned psychologist Albert Ellis, the creator of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, had a way with words. When his patients brought in expectations of how a partner should behave. Or how an event should unfold. Dr. Ellis would point out they were ‘shoulding’ on themselves. Their expectations did not make room for a different outcome than the one they expected. While Dr. Ellis created his therapy model in the 1950s the ‘shoulds’ still show up in our modern times. Thanks to social media, the shoulds, expectations, and comparisons are even more frustrating when people or situations do not turn out the way we want them to.
The ‘shoulds’
Mindful awareness combined with attachment theory helps us to look at shoulds through a different lens. The first layer we see of a should is judgment. We judge something that happened in the past as wrong, negative, or intolerable. For instance if a partner texted ‘happy birthday’ at 4pm on their significant other’s birthday, the birthday person might have felt ignored or unloved all day. The internal dialogue before 4pm might sound like a broken record repeating the same several sentences. Perhaps they recycled the thoughts “they should have texted me in the morning” or “they are so inconsiderate.” These repetitive, sometimes intrusive thoughts will fuel negative feelings of anger, frustration, and maybe even disappointment.
The second layer of the ‘shoulds’ is related to judgment. When we judge something or someone with a negative, critical lens we ignore all other perspectives and possibilities. We can miss context or positive aspects when get entangled in all that is wrong or not good enough. But most of all, the ‘shoulding’ keeps us from being curious about what is going on within. For instance, ‘shoulding’ someone for sending late afternoon birthday wishes distracts from feeling disappointed, betrayed, or insignificant-. In some way judgment of the other person keeps us protected from big painful feels and focuses attention and energy on being mad at them instead of processing painful emotions.
How to soften the ‘shoulds’
Mindfulness can help with the shoulds. Mindfulness as a construct is the innate capacity all human beings have to be with something or someone objectively, just the way it is, and without judgment. But being with something or someone that has disappointed us or not met our expectations is hard to do.
For some that have attachment wounds connecting with uncomfortable feelings such as disappointment is too much for their nervous systems . The limbic system re-routes the thought patterns to judgment. The disappointment is still there but by focusing energy on judgment, one can avoid the raw pain of disappointment for a short (or long) amount of time. Our human capacity of disassociation or disconnection from feelings is there to help us put off being with painful emotions until we have the capacity to cope with them. However, the downside here, is that many people never learn how to increase their capacity to be be with painful, negative emotions.
We suggest taking baby steps when trying to soften the ‘shoulds’.
Bring awareness to what you are feeling and thinking. Try noticing judgmental thoughts about someone or something. Just pause and then label them as judgmental. That is it. You do not need to shame yourself for judging . Nor get mad because the judgmental thoughts are not going away. Just noticing the judgment will reduce some of the negative intensity that comes along with it.
Bring in curiosity to what you may be avoiding. Once you have noticed judgmental thoughts and patterns, bring in curiosity. Be curious about what else you are feeling or experiencing. Is the feeling or experience familiar? Judgment can be protective. When we engage in judging behaviors or situations, the judgment veils what is really going on. Curiosity can help shine a light on what is brewing within you. The Feelings Wheel can help you to identify internal emotions.
Notice judgment, put it aside and get curious about what else is going on. This last step combines the first two and takes practice. After noticing judgmental thoughts and getting curious about held emotions, we bring in more curiosity. Ask your inner wisdom ‘what else is going on’. Make space for something hidden deep, held behind dungeon doors. You may find something painful. But this next layer of curiosity can help judgment dissolve. Can help your nervous system move out of ‘fight or flight’. You may feel a sense of ease even if you are connected to the discomfort of feeling disappointed or insignificant.
Conclusion
Even though the three steps above can seem easy enough, they are not. The process above can take months, even years, to go through until you can go deep into your held wisdom and experiences. We are wired for judgment because it is protective. We cannot stop judging. But we can notice it, put it on a shelf, and see what else is there.
If someone has had adverse experiences or trauma as a child or an adult, their protective shields like judgment and dissociation, may not come down without the help of a trained professional. Mindfulness-based therapy, accompanied by applying attachment and polyvagal theories, can help you get to number three.
